Despite always being surrounded by great people I’ve been feeling very anti-social and pretty sad lately but I’m just so happy it’s October now and the leaves are changing and it’s perfect weather and I hope I can work myself out of this “rut” and stop sleeping every chance I get and passing up doing things with friends and cute boys
I can’t remember the last thing you said to me,
but I think it was “I love you.”
I like it that way. I won’t say that I’ll never be satisfied with love,
but I’ve certainly never been happy.
I don’t want you to tell me you need me.
I am cleaning mud out from beneath my fingernails,
and I am happy now;
while my best friend fucks in the living room and everyone else
lives on hands and knees and bruised palms.
I am good at being alone.
In the morning, I carve beauty from bone.
I call my mom. I make it known
that I am happy here.
There was a time where I felt so empty,
I would have never imagined living
on full. I would never have imagined going months
without calling you. My ribcage, a birdcage,
both snapped in two. Splinters. There was a time
when I couldn’t imagine being here. A phone
full of friends to call. A rented room, a tall
stack of books, a cup of soup. There was a time
when I didn’t think I would live to see twenty.
Now I am living on heart and ideas,
and I still cringe every time I feel the place where you ended things
but it is getting better. There:
a letter I wrote you. An emptiness.
I uncurl my fist.
Mother, when I first moved here I never thought that I would be able
to open the door and let the rain in.
Mother, I’m doing it.
Listen: I’m happy now.
rule #1 of college: don’t let yourself get too interested in a boy
May or may not throw up in the library, quantitative methods is the worst